On Self-awareness.

 Somehow I keep running away from this blog even though I don't understand why. I have been feeling that my life is on hold for quite some time, and it is surprising I feel that way because the more reasonable way of living right now is to literally seize every moment. But it almost feels like I am waiting for something to make me take action. It may be a new job, or a new move, or a new, good source of income that will motivate me to take courses and start getting myself nice things.

Generally, my anxious self has faded, or perhaps I and her have integrated in a way or made peace with each other. The more I write about this, the more I realise how badly I need to write about it. The progress I have made and the person I have become during the past 8 months are amazing and I should pay some respect to myself for becoming who I am today, even with the ups and downs of overthinking. I am becoming more okay with the intrusive thoughts because I now truly realise they come out of loneliness and out of a realisation that when you spend too much time with one person, you start questioning your feelings for them, but with time you understand that this questioning comes because you are always together. When you are apart, you either question yourself because you feel happy with family (sister), or you don't question your love at all.

I want to become self-aware and do the things that I love to do, whatever they are. I don't want the changes my body is going through right now to distract me from being who I am. I want to remain conscious of my thoughts and where they lead me, physically more than anything else. Crippling thoughts have the ability to force you to live a life you don't want to live but think you have no choice. Bringing yourself out of the crippling anxieties is the toughest thing you will have to do, but they are absolutely worth every effort and every getting-out-of-bed struggle. I want to live the next moment feeling that I am here. I am who I am. I am doing something I love. And I am completely and undoubtedly alive and fighting the fight that is absolutely worth it. 

I want to remind myself every day that what I am going through isn't easy, and that it is okay to not be okay, because once we accept that, everything else follows. Once we accept the ups and downs of life, we are eventually able to live peacefully without wanting to be happy but just... satisfied. At peace.

On Energy

 It's been almost a month, and I don't know why I stopped writing, but I had a lot to grasp and I needed this time just to let things sink in. A part of my down mood is back, but this time I am feeling it completely differently. I know it is but a product of the current physical state I am in, so I am letting myself feel everything I want to feel, while bearing in mind that these feelings (and thoughts) are only there because of the mood, not because they are real.

I just miss the energy I had a year and a half from today. I miss how energetic I was and how I was doing so many things at the same time. I don't miss, however, the stress I put myself in last year. But I do miss doing creative things and I feel like I don't have any creative thoughts anymore. I am not sure what happened but I am quite sure a lot of it has to do with my mentality and how I let myself sink into this laziness.

But I am grateful for the laughs and for the hope I have. Grateful for the honest conversations I have with Taha and how much we feel the same about so many different things. I am grateful for still realising that whatever reason is making me lazy, I can handle it. I am grateful I no longer have these intense periods of very dark thoughts and demotivation. I have been doing so much to change how I think and how I feel about so many things in life, and it has so far worked so well. I only need to give myself the time for the next 3 weeks to get physically better, and then I will do everything I can to be active, and I will start thinking from today!

Lying Feelings and Thoughts

Gradually, you come to accept that the lying feelings and thoughts will subside. You understand that all you have to do is let them be, until they let you be. And then you take a deep breath and live life a new version of yourself, a better and truer version of yourself. You know your worth. You accept yourself. You know your self-confidence has to come from you not anyone else. And you understand that loneliness is a feeling you come up with when you are feeling negative, because when you feel positive and the loneliness is still there, you don't feel it as intense. Negative thoughts bring about negative feelings. Negative feelings bring about all lying thoughts about life. But you slowly realise this and decide to take matters into your own hands and save yourself through bravely fighting and not being scared of whatever is coming your way. All these realisations give you some peace of mind. And repeating all of them helps even more in instilling positive thoughts inside you. And bit by bit, you just become who you are; a version you are so very pleased with that you feel grateful every day for the hardships you went through.

Things I am grateful for today:

1. Alhamdulillah for the morning walk in a windy day like today.
2. Alhamdulillah for phone calls with Takateeko.
3. Alhamdulillah for making deep breathing a daily routine of mine.
4. Alhamdulillah for making the Quran a book I read daily.
5. Alhamdulillah for how evil thoughts are subsiding because I refuse to give them any importance.
6. Alhamdulillah for my brave soul to fight every negative thought of mine.
7. Alhamdulillah for truly believing that you can change your mentality about anything if you really really want to.
8. Alhamdulillah for every bit of growth I feel in me.
9. Alhamdulillah for the daily athkar that I say day and night.
10. Alhamdulillah for believing that Allah is with me and will help me every step of the way.

Inner Calm

There is an inner calm that I am finding in me these days which is giving me so much comfort and ease. I suddenly feel like the whole of last year's lessons are making themselves visible to me. I am also learning that the morning walks I take are making me connect with Allah and nature much more than ever. I feel Allah's presence around me in so many things and so many humans. I see Allah's miracles and just stop and say, Subhan Allah, isn't this life funny and beautiful? I constantly get this feeling that the lessons are out there, everywhere we go, only if we look close enough. Today I am so grateful to many wonderful news and exciting holidays coming up. 

Things I am saying alhamdulillah for today:

1. Alhamdulillah for the morning walks.
2. Alhamdulillah for the inner peace and calm I feel.
3. Alhamdulillah for the safety I feel around Taha.
4. Alhamdulillah for nature and the sea.
5. Alhamdulillah for sunny days and cloudy and windy days.
6. Alhamdulillah for the meals we eat every day, and having the choice to eat different meals.
7. Alhamdulillah for being so calm about getting jobs or being rejected.
8. Alhamdulillah for being a sister of three beautiful ladies.
9. Alhamdulillah for being an auntie of 6 nieces and nephews.
10. Alhamdulillah for every time I realise I am changing to be the truest version of myself.
11. Alhamdulillah for WhatApp audios. They completely eliminate my feelings of loneliness.
12. Alhamdulillah for my healthy family, and for Taha's lovely family.

Things I love about myself today:

1. How lightly I take things.
2. How I am there for the people I love.
3. How I can still be there for people even if I am not feeling great myself.
4. My awareness to change whatever it is that I don't like about myself or my life.
5. My awareness that Allah is with me and the inner calm I am letting myself feel.

الرضا

الرضا is a beautiful thing. It just gives you so much calm and inner peace. I think as long as we have that, literally nothing else matters in life. I also believe that whenever we pray so much to Allah, every single day, every step of the way, we are automatically assured that things are going to be okay, even if it is not entirely clear that Allah has answered our prayers. Prayer itself is bliss, and having that makes it easier for us to hold onto life and face every difficulty that comes our way.

رضا also comes with gratitude, because as long as we keep saying alhamdulillah every day, we will start to see so much beauty in life and appreciate what we have even if it isn't an easy journey to take. I am so thankful to Allah for teaching me lessons like this.

Today I am saying alhamdulillah for these blessings:

1. Alhamdulillah for morning walks in the sun, by the beach.
2. Alhamdulillah for appreciating myself and every effort I make to boost my self-compassion and self-esteem.
3. Alhamdulillah for my overflowing love for Taha.
4. Alhamdulillah for video calls with Mama and my sisters.
5. Alhamdulillah for calls with Takateeko.
6. Alhamdulillah for being able to walk, talk, hear, and smell.
7. Alhamdulillah for knowing that everything passes.
8. Alhamdulillah for deeps breaths and their amazing power.
9. Alhamdulillah for being aware of my reminders much more now that I look forward to them every day and give myself a minute to think about their content.
10. Alhamdulillah for Taha love for me and the beautiful mature relationship we have.

Things this phase is teaching me:

1. How to appreciate myself more.
2. How to be self-compassionate.
3. Understanding that I am completely normal, and there is a million versions of normal on this planet.
4. That it is ok. 
5. That it will pass.
6. That nothing is wrong with me.
7. That leaving my home country is extremely difficult to adjust to, but that I can definitely do it.
8. How to love myself and be easy on her.
9. That intrusive thoughts are sticky ones that don't say any facts but only lies, and that they take advantage of my moods.
10. That after all, السكينة is more important than love.

Slow Gratitude

It is amazing how one day outside in the sun with friends changes the mood just like that. You realise that whatever's been happening inside is only something loneliness does. You realise you are ok. Nothing is wrong with you nor your thoughts. It is the loneliness. And so you understand that you need to always surround yourselves with people you love or things you love to do. Also, you slowly become self-aware to count your blessings every night, which pays back when you are not in a great mood.

I am grateful to so many things today, so I will name some:

1. I am truly grateful to my calm mood even after realising my period really is late.
2. I am grateful for slowly understanding that these intrusive thoughts are an utter BS and they lie all the time. They themselves are a lie.
3. I am grateful for the deep love Taha and I have for each other.
4. I am grateful for last night's walk back home for an hour.
5. I am grateful for the conversations we, Taha and I, had during the walk.
6. I am grateful for the sun and the rain.
7. I am grateful for coffee and water.
8. I am grateful for our beautiful balcony, where I can sit writing in my blog like right now.
9. I am grateful for the walks I take on my own.
10. I am grateful for Taha's kindness, love, and honest heart.
11. I am grateful for slowly appreciating this country with all its challenges.
12. I am grateful for being so self-aware of everything happening inside me.
13. I am grateful for patience.
14. I am grateful for time, because it heals everything.
15. I am grateful for the hope that keeps me going every single day.

Thoughts Lie All the Time

Nature heals in beautiful ways, particularly through contemplation of Allah's creations. I am so lucky to be living by the sea, which I don't utilise that often and I am not proud of it. 

I have been reading a book on overcoming intrusive, obsessive thoughts and although I have many reservations on the book, it is teaching me a different strategy in handling my obsessive thoughts. Just giving them the name 'sticky thoughts' makes me feel so much better about them. It is also teaching me how much these thoughts might just be completely random (sometimes) and that it is ok for everyone to have these thoughts from time to time. What I need to disentangle, though, is the feelings associated with these thoughts. I need to rid myself of these feelings because they are only the result of a lying thought, which makes the feelings themselves a lie. Feelings do lie because thoughts lie, and feelings are the product of thought.

I am slowly learning to let go, slowly learning that it is ok, and slowly learning that actions are the most important aspect in this equation. I am also learning that I can change my feelings if I change my thoughts. I am learning that our minds are so flexible and elastic. And there is just so much comfort in this. I am so proud of myself for trying this hard, because anxious thoughts hit me with the person I love the most, and I am not letting these fake thoughts come in the way of a beautiful relationship.

Things I am thankful for today:

1. I am grateful for the beach, particularly on a beautiful sunny day like today.
2. I am grateful for the picnic we will be having today.
3. I am grateful for phone calls with Takateeko.
4. I am grateful for slowly learning that I am winning this battle.
5. I am grateful for everything anxiety is teaching me, from patience and perseverance to acceptance and contemplation.
6. I am grateful for cups of coffee in the balcony.
7. I am grateful for Jackie who doesn't mind a good talk over the balconies.
8. I am grateful for prayer and its power.
9. I am grateful for every breath I take
10. I am grateful for the loneliness I feel because it is teaching me so much about myself.

Things I love about Taha:

1. His honesty with himself and with me.
2. His attractiveness.
3. How he loves to share everything with me.
4. The conversations he has with me to calm me down and help me through.
5. His forgiving soul.

Morning Thoughts

Waking up with negative thoughts on a daily basis is my fight. It is often difficult just to toss them away and get up to enjoy life, but when I am able to do this, it usually really works. I have this strong desire to enjoy my own company, which sometimes I do but a lot of times I don't. You have to really accept who you are to do this, and you have to know how to entertain the thoughts that need entertaining and ignore the other unwanted intrusive thoughts that offer no solution. It is just that my current struggle is making the differentiation between my thoughts and my emotions. It is so easy for us to confuse between the two because thoughts often lead us to feel particular emotions, which we think are real ones but are quite simply the product of giving in to these thoughts.

Ya Allah, help us get rid of unwanted thoughts. Help us thank You for every tiny little bliss. Help us see the good in life. Help us maintain healthy relationships with the people we love the most.

Things I am grateful for today:

1. Taha's morning hugs before work.
2. Getting up and fighting every little thought.
3. Having prayed fajr today after a few days of fighting.
4. The beautiful cloudy weather, which will be sunny in a few hours.
5. I am grateful for drinking clean water.
6. Grateful for the new facial wash that feels so refreshing.
7. Grateful for the morning routine that I have.
8. Grateful for how easy it is to shop here, online or physically.
9. Grateful for the books I am reading these days and for the knowledge that gives me the power to fight every negative thought and to remember Allah every step of the way.
10. Grateful for breakfast and the varieties we have in the fridge. Such bliss alhamdulillah!

Things I adore about Taha:

1. His morning hugs which he never ever misses.
2. His energy.
3. How easily he spots my bad moods and understands.
4. His openness to listen to my deepest secrets and thoughts.
5. His kind heart.

On Differentiations.

It's truly important to know how to differentiate between thoughts only being the product of a bad mood, like PMS, and real thoughts, which are by definition helpful ones, so anything otherwise is just a product of bad moods, especially extremely bad moods like during PMS.

The fact that the oldest cliches are the truest makes the cliche of "There is light at the end of the tunnel" just as true as "Time heals." The journey is often tough but there is always a chance for something to cling to on the hope that that light will be visible soon.

Things I am grateful for today:

1. I am grateful for waking up earlier than usual.
2. I am grateful for not sleeping in the middle of saying the morning athkar.
3. I am grateful for Taha's beautiful smile once he opens the door when he's back from work.
4. I am grateful for every single phone call with Takateeko.
5. I am grateful for our beautiful balcony, and the time I spend in it in the day.
6. I am grateful for coffee, when drunk in the balcony especially.
7. I am grateful for the feeling of family that Taha gives me.
8. I am grateful for being smart and intelligent.
9. I am grateful for knowing that everything takes time, even if I feel very impatient sometimes.
10. I am grateful for truly believing that Allah must be teaching me something out of this struggle I face some days.

Things I love about anxiety:

1. It is teaching me how to be truly myself.
2. It is making me strive to be more present.
3. It is making me self-aware.
4. It is developing my self-compassion.
5. It is giving me the time and effort to be kind to myself.
6. It is teaching me that everything negative has an ending.
7. It is teaching me to take deep breaths all the time.
8. It is teaching me that things take time.
9. It is making me more confident to talk about mental health problems.
10. It is making me more aware of what I need to fix and what I actually found that I do like about myself.

More Lists

Every time I get these intrusive, obsessive thoughts, I get to tell myself something which I realise, if I keep repeating, will make things so much easier on me. The intrusive thoughts happen to come during the week before my period, when I am more susceptible to fall into the traps of repetitive thoughts. It appears that I may be experiencing an intense type of PMS for a while down. So I am going to track down how I will be feeling every month before my period, to see if I can associate this with PMS, if it wasn't related to any vitamin deficiency. 

One thing I truly admire in myself is the ability to always look for something new to help me or for a new method or technique to guide me. Books have been helping a lot, though they keep telling me what I am doing is actually wrong and I need to change my habits, which is extremely challenging.

I also keep realising that I am beginning to fall in love with lists; gratitude lists, things I love about myself, things I love about Taha, things anxiety teach me, and recently, maybe another list would be 'helpful phrases to repeat in bad times'.

Things I am grateful for today:

1. Breakfast with Taha, even at 1 PM.
2. The beautiful sun falling on my balcony.
3. Conversations with neighbours, i.e., Jackie.
4. Phone calls with Takateeko.
5. Believing that I am an active, energetic person when it is truly hard to believe it.
6. House chores. The feeling I get after cleaning the kitchen, changing the bedsheets, or doing laundry is amazing. 
7. Grateful for my laptop and how easy it is for me to write on my blog.
8. I am so very grateful for books and how reading is immensely helping me cope.
9. I am grateful for the days I fight and never give up, and for my willpower. 
10. Grateful for the trip we took to Horsham yesterday and the time we spent walking and bathing in the sun in the park there, and for the delicious dinner we had upon returning.

Things I love about myself today and yesterday:

1. My willpower to go on and never give up
2. The awareness I feel whenever I realise how much anxiety is teaching me.
3. The acceptance I am in towards growing up, slowly.
4. Knowing deep down inside that this is going to pass.
5. My closeness to Allah. I would love love love to keep having conversations with Him because one way or another I always feel Him answering me. Alhamdulellah.

Things I love about Taha (and our relationship):

1. He's the most empathetic person to strangers.
2. I love the understanding between us.
3. I love how our fights are never about someone proving himself right to the other.
4. I love his openness to the point that I can tell him my deepest secrets.
5. I love the days when we cook together, especially ma7shi days! 
6. I love how considerate he is in the kitchen and how he usually cleans the kitchen during weekends.
7. I love how silly we both can be with each other.
8. I love when he laughs out loud, especially when he's laughing about something I said.

Things to repeat during tough times:

1. You are not alone. You are normal.
2. This has happened before and it will happen again and it is totally OK!
3. This is probably PMS. Just keep an open mind.
4. You don't need proof that you love him.
5. Allah sees so much potential in you.
6. Don't forget to tell Allah everything and cry to Him if you need to.
7. Allah knows.
8. Taha is with you.
9. You can do it. Everyone else has done it and you are no less powerful.
10. You are not lazy. Don't label yourself. Laziness is, after all, a choice.
11. Look how far you've come and look forward to how far you will go!
12. Takateeko is always here to listen.
13. You are going to make it and you are going to wonder how you thought you'd never make it.
14. Trusting in Allah's plan is everything!
15. Having faith is key!
16. This is literally in your head. Everything outside is fine!
17. Remember to take deep breaths. They do magic!
18. Don't forget self-compassion. There is nothing more important than being kind to yourself.
19. Once you wake up, get up. Don't wait for the evil thoughts to hit!
20. Remember, there is always a way out of every negative feeling you have.

Things Anxiety Gifts Us With

Sometimes I ask myself whether my thoughts are a product of my emotions or the other way around. The question may seem easy but it is far from it. I think it could be both ways depending on the situation itself. For example, if I have an intrusive thought, it will trigger a particular emotion. But sometimes a particular emotion will bring some thoughts inside. I am not sure this makes any sense but it is at least how I feel sometimes.

I think one should be grateful to thoughts as much as he should be grateful to emotions, even the wrong or intrusive ones. Intrusive thoughts tell us to pay attention to something that is usually just a result of fear. Intrusive thoughts tell us that we are fearful. Once we realise the emotion of fear, we will work on calming ourselves down and telling her, 'These thoughts are not important, and thus don't beat up yourself because you are afraid. The fear will go when you realise the unimportance of the thought.'

Things anxiety teach me:

1. Intrusive thoughts are not helpful, but they are usually a sign that we are anxious.
2. Emotions are a result of thoughts (at least for me), and if thoughts are a lie, the emotion itself won't define us, so long as we don't let these two drive us to behave in certain ways.
3. I am a sensitive person, and that is a beautiful thing to realise, becuase it makes me see the world differently.
4. This has happened before and it will happen again, and it is OK!
5. Routines are important because they help us create a balance in our days and look forward to something when we wake up
6. I am human, and it is completely ok to be fearful of the future or to want to be OK.
7. Take advantage of every day in which you wake up feeling good.
8. You can do much more than what you think.
9. You are absolutely capable of pushing yourself to do the things you fear the most.
10. Anxiety taught me and still teach me to be more empathetic than ever.

Things I am grateful for today:

1. Conversations with Takateeko.
2. I am grateful for WhatsApp and how easy it is to communicate with the people I love.
3. I am grateful for not being alone in how I am feeling, even if it truly feels so.
4. I am grateful for always thinking of how much I can't live without Taha.
5. I am grateful for how understanding, kind, empathetic, polite, respectful, thankful, and loving Taha is. It is something I remind myself of every day.
6. I am grateful for the beautiful time I spend drinking coffee or tea in our gorgeous balcony.
7. I am grateful for anxiety. I will say this every single day.
8. I am grateful for realising I am capable and strong
9. I am grateful for the daily reminders I put on my phone which do help me remember how this is an ongoing journey of self-compassion and positivity-finding.
10. I am grateful for waking up every morning knowing that I am loved, truly loved, by friends and family, and by Taha. 

I am loved. I am loved. I am loved.

Next to Nothing - On the Beauty of Anxiety

The days are lost between my thoughts. Every morning upon waking I ask myself, what day is it? What's happening in my life? Who am I? I feel a new person. There is someone different inside, someone I am still trying to get to know. Someone who is trying to kill the bad old habits. But that someone is confused about time. When did we grow up? When did we feel alienated from ourselves? When did that new self come and where did it come from? So many questions that are as intriguing as they are exhausting, but I guess the good kind of exhaustion.

--

There is something funny about anxiety. Something that makes all other normal 'down' moods feel OK. The intensity of an anxiety attack makes us brave to face all other daily down moods. When we experience a bad day or a tough day at work, we say, "well, at least it is not an anxiety attack" or something along the lines of "I have seen so much worse with anxiety that I absolutely don't mind these feelings I have now." Anxiety makes us accept all other minor depressive states, all the other fears, and all the other worries that come and go. These are just there to remind us that, a year or two years ago before we experienced the intensity of anxiety, they truly were bliss without us realising.

I am so grateful for how anxiety made me trivialise every other emotion I have, not in the negative sense but in the sense that I have been through so much worse to actually feel bad about those emotions. Outside anxiety attacks, everything becomes so small in comparison. 

I keep wondering, when did I start to feel the beauty of anxiety? I believe when I started accepting it is there for a reason. My mind has chosen anxiety because it is fucking smart it has a dramatic tendency to protect me. And only smart minds have anxieties, because vain people don't think about the deeper purposes of life. They don't ask the big questions: Why am I here? What is my life purpose? Who am I good for? Am I even good enough? What if I just never were here? What difference would that make to the people around me? They don't ask these questions because their minds are so sure, but ours aren't. We wonder if we are good enough, if what we are doing is enough, what we are feeling is enough, and if our purpose (if we found one) is enough. 

Anxious minds are inside smart people. This is why, during therapy, Sophie used to tell me that I am so very smart whenever I said anything about how to deal with my anxiety. She said that anxiety doesn't happen to dumb people. It happens to smart people. And this is when I realised how smart I was.

Dear anxiety, I am so grateful to have you. We have this love-hate relationship, but I do accept you in my life and I believe you have given me the gift of being a meticulous person because of how anxious I can be. Thank you. Alhamdulellah for having you.

Things I am grateful for today:

1. I am grateful for the sun.
2. I am grateful for the rain.
3. I am grateful for having sisters I can talk to for hours.
4. I am grateful for how smart I realise I am every day.
5. I am grateful for every change that happens within me.
6. I am grateful for being in the UK. It is so easy to try new things here and to travel everywhere.
7. I am grateful for coffee.
8. I am grateful for always trying new things and never giving up even when I feel I am tempted to (and by giving up I mean giving up to the boring routines that life sometimes gives us)
9. I am grateful for all the lessons I learned from anxiety and how I am slowly learning to embrace it rather than running away from the thoughts it brings.
10. I am grateful for thinking of Allah in every good mood I am in and thinking of how much He is the one who has helped me all throughout and how I believe I wouldn't have made it without Him. Alhamdulellah.
11. I am grateful for the growth I am feeling these days towards some of my friendships and for trying so hard to understand that it is ok to grow out of a friendship because of the need to protect yourself.

Time Heals...

The oldest cliches are often the truest, even if it takes us so much time to realise how true they are. I keep realising one of them more every day these days. 

Time heals. It's true, and it couldn't be truer for me than now. I can sense time making every hardship just a tiny bit easier on me. I can feel it within the healing journey I have been taking for over a year now. Time heals. It stretches the pain and loosens the grip of anxieties and fears which hold us captive for long periods of time. It is proof that we will make it, because we have made it through before. Time heals. It is a coping mechanism that makes us willing to be patient, as long as the pain will slowly fade with it (time). It is all about hope and faith, the hope that tomorrow will be better and the faith to keep going because the people around us love and cherish us. Time heals, and if it doesn't heal, it makes us get used to the pain.

But it does heal, one way or another.

I haven't got enough time to ponder the things I love about myself today, so I will first write the things I am grateful for:

1. I am grateful for empathy.
2. I am grateful for my good health. Nothing ever beats being healthy!
3. I am grateful for my wisdom to know that I have been through hardships before and I can get through these too.
4. I am grateful for the personality shift in me. It is teaching me millions of things.
5. I am grateful for Mama and her beautiful spirit and amazing humour.
6. I am grateful for the in-depth conversations with Taha.
7. I am grateful for the desire to have kids, which I thought I would never ever have in my life.
8. I am grateful for being closer to Allah, even though I am still so flawed but I try.
9. I am grateful for the sunshine, as well as the rainy days, and the beautiful weather of the UK
10. I am grateful for slowly learning how to get myself out of the selective memory and the nostalgia to go back to Egypt

Resolutions and Gratitude

Resolutions are a fantastic opportunity for us to start over, not on New Years' Eve, but on any eve. They give us second chances. Endless chances, to be precise.

Things to be grateful for:

1. The breath. That deep, deep breath.
2. Being able to stand in the kitchen and make breakfast and lunch and desserts.
3. Grateful for being present.
4. Grateful for anxiety. Without anxiety I would've never known who I truly am and strived to be the best version of mysef.
5. Grateful for technology during times like this.
6. Grateful for being healthy.
7. Grateful for thoughts, whether real ones or intrusive ones. They teach me so much through pain.
8. Grateful for love. The healing power of love. For having people around me who love me.
9. Grateful for water and especially clean water.
10. Grateful for the clean air we breathe.

Self-love and the Other 100 Things

There is something that is as important as self-love. It is this ability to see the beautiful things you have in life at the darkest hours of your soul. It is being able to look darkness in the eye and tell her, "I still have things I am a hundred times more grateful for than being scared of your existence." Gratitude, love, and courage are more powerful than fear and the accompanying intrusive thoughts that come with it. Gratitude gives you inner peace. Love gives you the courage to hold on to life. Courage gives you the confidence to realise that you can.

Next to the 100 things I love about myself that I am writing, I have also decided to write 100 things I am grateful for. For the latter, it should be a lot easier than the former. So let's start today's list.

Today's 5 things I love about myself (reached 50!):

1. I love the routine I have been able to do in the morning.
2. I love how much faith I have in realising new solutions to existing problems all the time.
3. I love the progress I made throughout this past year, and how it made me love myself more.
4. I love how much I've grown over the years to be a better version of myself.
5. I love how I am always capable of bringing my true self out of the very bad moods I experience every week, hell, every day even.

Today's 10 things I am grateful for:

1. I am grateful for Taha, for how amazing he is, how he's always there for me, always fighting my negative thoughts with me, always pushing me to do the things I love. His sole existence is my backbone.
2. I am grateful for my family, for how much we've all changed to be by each other's side, for how much they love me and I love them.
3. I am grateful for my beautiful, supportive friends who are always there for me.
4. I am grateful for having left Egypt, after years of pursuing that.
5. I am grateful for being in the UK and having achieved so much in just about two years.
6. I am grateful for finding meanings in life in the most immaterial things, like inner peace, love, compassion and self-compassion, and self-fulfillment. 
7. I am grateful for having a sister in the UK who listens to my thoughts and allows me to be myself.
8. I am grateful for Allah. For His presence in my life.
9. I am grateful for prayers and their healing power.
10. I am grateful for being able to recognise right from wrong.

Self-love and Gratitude

1. I love my excitement when I talk about the things I am most passionate about.
2. I love the way I speak.
3. I love how sometimes I improvise pieces of advice to the people I love and it actually helps them with whatever they are going through.
4. I love how capable I am of knowing when to talk and when to shut up, when listening to someone's suffering.
5. I love how much I am becoming okay with the changes in me.

Can we choose to say الحمد لله for every time we feel negative? Can we choose to say it in the face of every negative thought?

I am not particularly in a lovey-dovey mood today. الحمد لله

I am not exactly okay with the thoughts I get upon waking up every single day. الحمد لله

I am not in the mood to cook nor eat nor do any house choirs. الحمد لله

I am not feeling great about my life in elghorba. الحمد لله

I am feeling anxious about having kids and raising kids in this country. الحمد لله

I am not at all feeling present today. الحمد لله

Negativity and Self-love

Negativity. This awful feeling you fight every morning, in order to get out of bed and do what's worth living for, rather than drowning in the awful thoughts of worthlessness. Negativity really makes you think that the content of the thoughts in your head is of importance, while it is the feeling of negativity that brings all these thoughts which otherwise would have never existed if we weren't that gloomy and just, negative. The thoughts themselves are of absolutely no importance at all.

I have been trying to understand why I am feeling so grumpy and irritable for many days of the week, and I keep realising that it is because I have become such a negative person who doesn't see any optimism on the horizon that I am so grumpy. Pessimism and negativity are integral in anxiety, and they seem to be best friends who never get separated. This is exactly why gratitude lists come in handy, because they tell us about the good things in life. They tell us that when we think good thoughts, optimism fills our hearts and we become more at ease with the universe, accepting all that is possible and all that could be. This is why I come to write about the things I love about myself. I want to remind myself of the beauty inside me so that I can have more confidence to face whatever life will throw at me.

I was raised to believe that Allah tests those whom He loves the most. So I thought that in order for me to be loved by Him, I must be tested somehow. This is wrong on all levels. Allah loves us unconditionally because He is Allah. We don't have to be tested with so much difficulty to be loved by Allah or to earn our place in Jannah. 

May we live to learn from the mistakes of those around us and not let our beliefs fool others.

Today I came with absolutely nothing in mind for my 4th 10 things I love about myself. But let's see how I will do with improvisation:

1. I love how thorough I am when it comes to searching for something Taha and I are looking for, whether a flat to move into or any information we need.
2. I love how hard I have worked to get closer to Mama and develop a better relationship with her as her daughter, after years of burdening her with my craziness.
3. I love how conscious I am about my feelings, my thoughts, and my emotions.
4. I love how much I don't really care about all the mainstream trends and fashions, and just follow my own fashion.
5. I love how responsible I am financially and how I am always able to give even when I don't have much.
6. I love how I try so hard to see the good in people and in life, no matter how negative I can be sometimes.
7. I love how I made myself love reading.
8. I love how I was the reason for people to love reading, and how some people now see me as a role model for their kids to read.
9. I love how creative I can be in the kitchen when I am truly in the mood.
10. I love how sportive I want to be, and how I am always keen on trying new sports to take care of my health.

Self Love and Acceptance

You wake up realising you just literally have to accept whatever feelings and emotions visit you in the morning. You realise that is actually the only way for you to handle life right now: Acceptance. Acceptance brings peace and the ability to embrace whatever is keeping you awake at night. It helps you become aware of your feelings and emotions, and not be bothered by their existence. 

Acceptance heals through letting go of the anger and resentment. It is through self-love and being 'easy on yourself' that we achieve peace and quietude.

My self-love list is going to get more difficult by the day as I run out of things I love about myself. But the goal is to think and keep thinking of myself as a method of healing and loving myself as I am.

So here we go:

1. I love how much I care about people.
2. I love how much I love to listen.
3. I love the way I kiss Taha.
4. I love the way I make love to him and sometimes cry when my love for him just overfloods.
5. I love my attitude when it comes to working out and trying so hard to be healthy and fit.
6. I love that I am always open to new hobbies even if they don't last. 
7. I love how much I love smiling to strangers.
8. I love how much I'm willing to change the bad habits I have in order to make Taha and others around me happier.
9. I love how creative I am sometimes when it comes to problem-solving.
10. I love how calm I am. I just love how calm I can be when faced with something difficult or when others around me are faced with something difficult, because it allows me to be there for myself or for them.

Self-love

I don't particularly feel like talking about myself today. I just woke up feeling I wanted to live the day, is all. But my promise to myself remains, so here I am bravely coming to mention the second 10 things I love about myself.

1. I love how patient I am when it comes to many things in the house. When I'm in the mood to clean, I am very patient and precise.
2. I love that I am finding ways around writing after having abandoned creative writing for some time.
3. I love how I take care of myself and my look, particularly the dresses I wear at home, to attract Taha and make him want me more.
4. I love how I do the things that scare me even when I am having very bad anxieties. 
5. I love my fingers, I do, as silly as it sounds, but I love how musical they look and suit my piano playing.
6. I love my kindness. I can forgive so many things because I feel like kindness is the single most important trait to have in life.
7. I love how much I care about people and ask about their mental wellbeing even if mine isn't that great either. 
8. I love my hair.
9. I love my eyes, especially when I put on some eyeliner and look at myself in the mirror when I laugh.
10. I love how self-confident I am when it comes to work and negotiating my rates with clients. I don't give myself less than what I deserve.

100 Things I love about... Myself!

Yomna's sister, Basma, wrote this very interesting post on Facebook yesterday about her having written 100 things she loves about herself. I found that fascinating by all means, and the fact that she did manage to write 100 things is just impressive. I want to try this out, but I want to write the things I love about myself bit by bit, of course, because I'd like to divide them on the days, plus have time to think about them, which will, in turn, make me love myself along the way, slowly and steadily.

Let's start with 10 every day. Here are the first 10:

1. I love that I have worked so much on myself to be a compassionate, empathetic person.
2. I love that I try so hard not to judge others.
3. I love that I taught myself English from scratch and became successful at my job.
4. I love that I try not to hold back feelings or emotions, and I talk about whatever is bothering me. Some people consider this bravery.
5. I love that I am becoming closer to Allah and making an effort to think about Allah in everything that I do.
6. I love how silly I can be when I'm in a good mood.
7. I love how brave I am when it comes to sharing my mental health states.
8. I love how I love challenges and how they make me determined.
9. I love my body and I wouldn't want to change anything about it.
10. I love how I've tried so many hobbies and have finally settled on the ones that truly make me feel great: playing the piano and workouts, and journal writing.

A 10-day challenge for 10 things every day!

Morning Pages

It seems like my mind just decides to give me negativity and hopelessness first thing in the morning because it can't find something that occupies it upon waking. And I guess I can be okay with that, as long as I get up and actually do the things I love to do and that make me happy and fulfilled.

Fulfilled is the word I need. I need fullfilment, and I need to wake up knowing I make a difference in life, which I do not really feel right now. I keep getting this feeling that Taha took me away from everything I loved (and everything I hated) and I am just getting to know a new self of mine, getting to know the world outside my comfort zone.

Can we just choose to accept whatever negative thoughts that come in the morning and go on with the day to do everything we love to do? And if we felt like doing nothing because of these feelings, can we just force ourselves to do something that makes us happy? Can we stop putting the blame on the people who love us, and actually treat them like angels because they are always there for us, helping us get through the tough days.

If anything bad happens, Allah will prepare us to deal with it, and if anything good happens, let's always remember to thank Allah and to keep Allah always always in our thoughts, because He is the only one who will help us get through this.

Ya Allah help me and everyone going through struggles they know no end to.

Observing Feelings

Let's observe how I'm feeling. I woke up in a low mood, not very motivated to get out of bed. Then I felt really low I started thinking, "I'm going to feel so low and let it all out on fights with Taha." Next, I started wondering why I was feeling so low. Perhaps it is related to vitamin deficiency? (Vitamin D, for example?) But if this is the case, it really has nothing to do with Taha. Is it the loneliness? Definitely! But it could also be something else. It could still be my subconscious mind letting out everything that has been kept in throughout the years. 

I start to wonder, what is the point of life? And go in that loop of silly existential questions.

If it truly is anxiety + depression, the answer is here: running and playing the piano as I already do. Not arguing with my thoughts, but just accepting they are there, trying not to let them come in the way of my daily routine, and just continuing living. 

If it truly is vitamin D deficiency, the vitamin is available and I can take it. It is literally at home and I can take it any time. 

Fear. Anxiety. Courage. Repeat.

Repeat the fears. Have time for them, specific time for them, because this is when you will realise that, even though you keep worrying throughout the whole day, the number of worries is actually very limited. Fear of losing your loved ones, or doing something stupid that will result in losing them, fear of the unknown, fear of losing control (whatever that actually means), fear of anxiety kicking in again (but when did it ever do anything that made you lose control? Never. Fear of being a parent, of being away from home and missing out (which is already happening, so why does this fear actually exist?).

Repeat the fears. Face them. Head on. You'll realise that they're all cheap.

Acceptance

Accepting our feelings seems to be such a simple task to heal, but inside our minds, it just sometimes feels literally impossible. How do I accept feeling horrible? How do I accept an intrusive, obsessive thought that just won't go away? I guess by staying calm and striving to stay present in the moment.

Stories of Fight

I kept reading my old posts on this blog thinking that my life years before was 'happier' than this. Not that I am not happy now, but the level of misery I read in the older posts was exaggerated. I felt like a complete drama queen. When did I write this? What was so bad that happened that made me write these words? Surely it can't be as bad as this past year, from June 2019, can it? Words looked so trivial. I didn't feel an inch of what I wrote, because I felt that everything I wrote before was nothing compared to now. The pain now is real. It was the realest thing I ever felt and the most painful one. No, wait. I don't painful is the correct word. I think terrifying is the word. You live a nightmare and you wish to just wake up, to feel the life you felt before. But that's not gonna happen. It was impossible, because we grow, and there is no coming back from every experience, good or bad, that we live. 

I was growing, I am growing. I am becoming who I truly am. Someone real. The truest version of me that is and that has ever lived. Yes, it's excruciating, but this is what growth feels like. I am becoming me. It might feel very uncomfortable at the beginning, but I will surely get to know me better with time. 

I just wanted to come here to pour even a small portion of my thoughts, because after all writing in this blog and the other blogs has changed me throughout the years and I owe it to my blogs that I am able to write and express to this day. 

Let the anxieties kick in. Let the panic attacks or whatever we wanna call them be invited. I know that what doesn't kill you makes you weak and trembling, but it also allows you to get used to the pain and discomfort until it no longer feels scary and terrifying.

Stories of Survival

It's been years. Literally years. And I am coming back here a different person, to tell a different story, a story I have never ever lived before in my life, before writing these pages. I have fallen victim, a victim to my thoughts and my emotions and my feelings. I have fallen to the demons of despair, the demons of hopelessness and helplessness and abysmal self-doubt. I've reached the lowest points in my life where I thought that life didn't make any sense; that it didn't have any meaning. And it shook my insides so hard I almost fell into pieces in front of the people I loved the most. I have seen myself so broken in their eyes, so shattered that I'd wished I just didn't exist. I wished I wasn't. I wished not to be. I don't mean to kill myself, but just not be, because the pain was so horrid I did not see any life beyond it. 

But here I am, telling a story of survival, of a continuous, nonstop fight that I am winning. A fight I do not regret fighting but look forward to telling its story; my story. And here I am writing these words to my future self, and to my past self, to show her that I have survived and that I will. That survival isn't a luxury; it's a necessity. It's a fight that has changed me and will change me to the better and stronger.

Here I am, writing in frenzy, to show the world that I am here, and that I am conquering my fears, anxieties, and depressive states. 

I am here. I am here. I am here.