More Lists

Every time I get these intrusive, obsessive thoughts, I get to tell myself something which I realise, if I keep repeating, will make things so much easier on me. The intrusive thoughts happen to come during the week before my period, when I am more susceptible to fall into the traps of repetitive thoughts. It appears that I may be experiencing an intense type of PMS for a while down. So I am going to track down how I will be feeling every month before my period, to see if I can associate this with PMS, if it wasn't related to any vitamin deficiency. 

One thing I truly admire in myself is the ability to always look for something new to help me or for a new method or technique to guide me. Books have been helping a lot, though they keep telling me what I am doing is actually wrong and I need to change my habits, which is extremely challenging.

I also keep realising that I am beginning to fall in love with lists; gratitude lists, things I love about myself, things I love about Taha, things anxiety teach me, and recently, maybe another list would be 'helpful phrases to repeat in bad times'.

Things I am grateful for today:

1. Breakfast with Taha, even at 1 PM.
2. The beautiful sun falling on my balcony.
3. Conversations with neighbours, i.e., Jackie.
4. Phone calls with Takateeko.
5. Believing that I am an active, energetic person when it is truly hard to believe it.
6. House chores. The feeling I get after cleaning the kitchen, changing the bedsheets, or doing laundry is amazing. 
7. Grateful for my laptop and how easy it is for me to write on my blog.
8. I am so very grateful for books and how reading is immensely helping me cope.
9. I am grateful for the days I fight and never give up, and for my willpower. 
10. Grateful for the trip we took to Horsham yesterday and the time we spent walking and bathing in the sun in the park there, and for the delicious dinner we had upon returning.

Things I love about myself today and yesterday:

1. My willpower to go on and never give up
2. The awareness I feel whenever I realise how much anxiety is teaching me.
3. The acceptance I am in towards growing up, slowly.
4. Knowing deep down inside that this is going to pass.
5. My closeness to Allah. I would love love love to keep having conversations with Him because one way or another I always feel Him answering me. Alhamdulellah.

Things I love about Taha (and our relationship):

1. He's the most empathetic person to strangers.
2. I love the understanding between us.
3. I love how our fights are never about someone proving himself right to the other.
4. I love his openness to the point that I can tell him my deepest secrets.
5. I love the days when we cook together, especially ma7shi days! 
6. I love how considerate he is in the kitchen and how he usually cleans the kitchen during weekends.
7. I love how silly we both can be with each other.
8. I love when he laughs out loud, especially when he's laughing about something I said.

Things to repeat during tough times:

1. You are not alone. You are normal.
2. This has happened before and it will happen again and it is totally OK!
3. This is probably PMS. Just keep an open mind.
4. You don't need proof that you love him.
5. Allah sees so much potential in you.
6. Don't forget to tell Allah everything and cry to Him if you need to.
7. Allah knows.
8. Taha is with you.
9. You can do it. Everyone else has done it and you are no less powerful.
10. You are not lazy. Don't label yourself. Laziness is, after all, a choice.
11. Look how far you've come and look forward to how far you will go!
12. Takateeko is always here to listen.
13. You are going to make it and you are going to wonder how you thought you'd never make it.
14. Trusting in Allah's plan is everything!
15. Having faith is key!
16. This is literally in your head. Everything outside is fine!
17. Remember to take deep breaths. They do magic!
18. Don't forget self-compassion. There is nothing more important than being kind to yourself.
19. Once you wake up, get up. Don't wait for the evil thoughts to hit!
20. Remember, there is always a way out of every negative feeling you have.