Self-love and the Other 100 Things

There is something that is as important as self-love. It is this ability to see the beautiful things you have in life at the darkest hours of your soul. It is being able to look darkness in the eye and tell her, "I still have things I am a hundred times more grateful for than being scared of your existence." Gratitude, love, and courage are more powerful than fear and the accompanying intrusive thoughts that come with it. Gratitude gives you inner peace. Love gives you the courage to hold on to life. Courage gives you the confidence to realise that you can.

Next to the 100 things I love about myself that I am writing, I have also decided to write 100 things I am grateful for. For the latter, it should be a lot easier than the former. So let's start today's list.

Today's 5 things I love about myself (reached 50!):

1. I love the routine I have been able to do in the morning.
2. I love how much faith I have in realising new solutions to existing problems all the time.
3. I love the progress I made throughout this past year, and how it made me love myself more.
4. I love how much I've grown over the years to be a better version of myself.
5. I love how I am always capable of bringing my true self out of the very bad moods I experience every week, hell, every day even.

Today's 10 things I am grateful for:

1. I am grateful for Taha, for how amazing he is, how he's always there for me, always fighting my negative thoughts with me, always pushing me to do the things I love. His sole existence is my backbone.
2. I am grateful for my family, for how much we've all changed to be by each other's side, for how much they love me and I love them.
3. I am grateful for my beautiful, supportive friends who are always there for me.
4. I am grateful for having left Egypt, after years of pursuing that.
5. I am grateful for being in the UK and having achieved so much in just about two years.
6. I am grateful for finding meanings in life in the most immaterial things, like inner peace, love, compassion and self-compassion, and self-fulfillment. 
7. I am grateful for having a sister in the UK who listens to my thoughts and allows me to be myself.
8. I am grateful for Allah. For His presence in my life.
9. I am grateful for prayers and their healing power.
10. I am grateful for being able to recognise right from wrong.

Self-love and Gratitude

1. I love my excitement when I talk about the things I am most passionate about.
2. I love the way I speak.
3. I love how sometimes I improvise pieces of advice to the people I love and it actually helps them with whatever they are going through.
4. I love how capable I am of knowing when to talk and when to shut up, when listening to someone's suffering.
5. I love how much I am becoming okay with the changes in me.

Can we choose to say الحمد لله for every time we feel negative? Can we choose to say it in the face of every negative thought?

I am not particularly in a lovey-dovey mood today. الحمد لله

I am not exactly okay with the thoughts I get upon waking up every single day. الحمد لله

I am not in the mood to cook nor eat nor do any house choirs. الحمد لله

I am not feeling great about my life in elghorba. الحمد لله

I am feeling anxious about having kids and raising kids in this country. الحمد لله

I am not at all feeling present today. الحمد لله

Negativity and Self-love

Negativity. This awful feeling you fight every morning, in order to get out of bed and do what's worth living for, rather than drowning in the awful thoughts of worthlessness. Negativity really makes you think that the content of the thoughts in your head is of importance, while it is the feeling of negativity that brings all these thoughts which otherwise would have never existed if we weren't that gloomy and just, negative. The thoughts themselves are of absolutely no importance at all.

I have been trying to understand why I am feeling so grumpy and irritable for many days of the week, and I keep realising that it is because I have become such a negative person who doesn't see any optimism on the horizon that I am so grumpy. Pessimism and negativity are integral in anxiety, and they seem to be best friends who never get separated. This is exactly why gratitude lists come in handy, because they tell us about the good things in life. They tell us that when we think good thoughts, optimism fills our hearts and we become more at ease with the universe, accepting all that is possible and all that could be. This is why I come to write about the things I love about myself. I want to remind myself of the beauty inside me so that I can have more confidence to face whatever life will throw at me.

I was raised to believe that Allah tests those whom He loves the most. So I thought that in order for me to be loved by Him, I must be tested somehow. This is wrong on all levels. Allah loves us unconditionally because He is Allah. We don't have to be tested with so much difficulty to be loved by Allah or to earn our place in Jannah. 

May we live to learn from the mistakes of those around us and not let our beliefs fool others.

Today I came with absolutely nothing in mind for my 4th 10 things I love about myself. But let's see how I will do with improvisation:

1. I love how thorough I am when it comes to searching for something Taha and I are looking for, whether a flat to move into or any information we need.
2. I love how hard I have worked to get closer to Mama and develop a better relationship with her as her daughter, after years of burdening her with my craziness.
3. I love how conscious I am about my feelings, my thoughts, and my emotions.
4. I love how much I don't really care about all the mainstream trends and fashions, and just follow my own fashion.
5. I love how responsible I am financially and how I am always able to give even when I don't have much.
6. I love how I try so hard to see the good in people and in life, no matter how negative I can be sometimes.
7. I love how I made myself love reading.
8. I love how I was the reason for people to love reading, and how some people now see me as a role model for their kids to read.
9. I love how creative I can be in the kitchen when I am truly in the mood.
10. I love how sportive I want to be, and how I am always keen on trying new sports to take care of my health.

Self Love and Acceptance

You wake up realising you just literally have to accept whatever feelings and emotions visit you in the morning. You realise that is actually the only way for you to handle life right now: Acceptance. Acceptance brings peace and the ability to embrace whatever is keeping you awake at night. It helps you become aware of your feelings and emotions, and not be bothered by their existence. 

Acceptance heals through letting go of the anger and resentment. It is through self-love and being 'easy on yourself' that we achieve peace and quietude.

My self-love list is going to get more difficult by the day as I run out of things I love about myself. But the goal is to think and keep thinking of myself as a method of healing and loving myself as I am.

So here we go:

1. I love how much I care about people.
2. I love how much I love to listen.
3. I love the way I kiss Taha.
4. I love the way I make love to him and sometimes cry when my love for him just overfloods.
5. I love my attitude when it comes to working out and trying so hard to be healthy and fit.
6. I love that I am always open to new hobbies even if they don't last. 
7. I love how much I love smiling to strangers.
8. I love how much I'm willing to change the bad habits I have in order to make Taha and others around me happier.
9. I love how creative I am sometimes when it comes to problem-solving.
10. I love how calm I am. I just love how calm I can be when faced with something difficult or when others around me are faced with something difficult, because it allows me to be there for myself or for them.

Self-love

I don't particularly feel like talking about myself today. I just woke up feeling I wanted to live the day, is all. But my promise to myself remains, so here I am bravely coming to mention the second 10 things I love about myself.

1. I love how patient I am when it comes to many things in the house. When I'm in the mood to clean, I am very patient and precise.
2. I love that I am finding ways around writing after having abandoned creative writing for some time.
3. I love how I take care of myself and my look, particularly the dresses I wear at home, to attract Taha and make him want me more.
4. I love how I do the things that scare me even when I am having very bad anxieties. 
5. I love my fingers, I do, as silly as it sounds, but I love how musical they look and suit my piano playing.
6. I love my kindness. I can forgive so many things because I feel like kindness is the single most important trait to have in life.
7. I love how much I care about people and ask about their mental wellbeing even if mine isn't that great either. 
8. I love my hair.
9. I love my eyes, especially when I put on some eyeliner and look at myself in the mirror when I laugh.
10. I love how self-confident I am when it comes to work and negotiating my rates with clients. I don't give myself less than what I deserve.

100 Things I love about... Myself!

Yomna's sister, Basma, wrote this very interesting post on Facebook yesterday about her having written 100 things she loves about herself. I found that fascinating by all means, and the fact that she did manage to write 100 things is just impressive. I want to try this out, but I want to write the things I love about myself bit by bit, of course, because I'd like to divide them on the days, plus have time to think about them, which will, in turn, make me love myself along the way, slowly and steadily.

Let's start with 10 every day. Here are the first 10:

1. I love that I have worked so much on myself to be a compassionate, empathetic person.
2. I love that I try so hard not to judge others.
3. I love that I taught myself English from scratch and became successful at my job.
4. I love that I try not to hold back feelings or emotions, and I talk about whatever is bothering me. Some people consider this bravery.
5. I love that I am becoming closer to Allah and making an effort to think about Allah in everything that I do.
6. I love how silly I can be when I'm in a good mood.
7. I love how brave I am when it comes to sharing my mental health states.
8. I love how I love challenges and how they make me determined.
9. I love my body and I wouldn't want to change anything about it.
10. I love how I've tried so many hobbies and have finally settled on the ones that truly make me feel great: playing the piano and workouts, and journal writing.

A 10-day challenge for 10 things every day!

Morning Pages

It seems like my mind just decides to give me negativity and hopelessness first thing in the morning because it can't find something that occupies it upon waking. And I guess I can be okay with that, as long as I get up and actually do the things I love to do and that make me happy and fulfilled.

Fulfilled is the word I need. I need fullfilment, and I need to wake up knowing I make a difference in life, which I do not really feel right now. I keep getting this feeling that Taha took me away from everything I loved (and everything I hated) and I am just getting to know a new self of mine, getting to know the world outside my comfort zone.

Can we just choose to accept whatever negative thoughts that come in the morning and go on with the day to do everything we love to do? And if we felt like doing nothing because of these feelings, can we just force ourselves to do something that makes us happy? Can we stop putting the blame on the people who love us, and actually treat them like angels because they are always there for us, helping us get through the tough days.

If anything bad happens, Allah will prepare us to deal with it, and if anything good happens, let's always remember to thank Allah and to keep Allah always always in our thoughts, because He is the only one who will help us get through this.

Ya Allah help me and everyone going through struggles they know no end to.

Observing Feelings

Let's observe how I'm feeling. I woke up in a low mood, not very motivated to get out of bed. Then I felt really low I started thinking, "I'm going to feel so low and let it all out on fights with Taha." Next, I started wondering why I was feeling so low. Perhaps it is related to vitamin deficiency? (Vitamin D, for example?) But if this is the case, it really has nothing to do with Taha. Is it the loneliness? Definitely! But it could also be something else. It could still be my subconscious mind letting out everything that has been kept in throughout the years. 

I start to wonder, what is the point of life? And go in that loop of silly existential questions.

If it truly is anxiety + depression, the answer is here: running and playing the piano as I already do. Not arguing with my thoughts, but just accepting they are there, trying not to let them come in the way of my daily routine, and just continuing living. 

If it truly is vitamin D deficiency, the vitamin is available and I can take it. It is literally at home and I can take it any time. 

Fear. Anxiety. Courage. Repeat.

Repeat the fears. Have time for them, specific time for them, because this is when you will realise that, even though you keep worrying throughout the whole day, the number of worries is actually very limited. Fear of losing your loved ones, or doing something stupid that will result in losing them, fear of the unknown, fear of losing control (whatever that actually means), fear of anxiety kicking in again (but when did it ever do anything that made you lose control? Never. Fear of being a parent, of being away from home and missing out (which is already happening, so why does this fear actually exist?).

Repeat the fears. Face them. Head on. You'll realise that they're all cheap.

Acceptance

Accepting our feelings seems to be such a simple task to heal, but inside our minds, it just sometimes feels literally impossible. How do I accept feeling horrible? How do I accept an intrusive, obsessive thought that just won't go away? I guess by staying calm and striving to stay present in the moment.

Stories of Fight

I kept reading my old posts on this blog thinking that my life years before was 'happier' than this. Not that I am not happy now, but the level of misery I read in the older posts was exaggerated. I felt like a complete drama queen. When did I write this? What was so bad that happened that made me write these words? Surely it can't be as bad as this past year, from June 2019, can it? Words looked so trivial. I didn't feel an inch of what I wrote, because I felt that everything I wrote before was nothing compared to now. The pain now is real. It was the realest thing I ever felt and the most painful one. No, wait. I don't painful is the correct word. I think terrifying is the word. You live a nightmare and you wish to just wake up, to feel the life you felt before. But that's not gonna happen. It was impossible, because we grow, and there is no coming back from every experience, good or bad, that we live. 

I was growing, I am growing. I am becoming who I truly am. Someone real. The truest version of me that is and that has ever lived. Yes, it's excruciating, but this is what growth feels like. I am becoming me. It might feel very uncomfortable at the beginning, but I will surely get to know me better with time. 

I just wanted to come here to pour even a small portion of my thoughts, because after all writing in this blog and the other blogs has changed me throughout the years and I owe it to my blogs that I am able to write and express to this day. 

Let the anxieties kick in. Let the panic attacks or whatever we wanna call them be invited. I know that what doesn't kill you makes you weak and trembling, but it also allows you to get used to the pain and discomfort until it no longer feels scary and terrifying.

Stories of Survival

It's been years. Literally years. And I am coming back here a different person, to tell a different story, a story I have never ever lived before in my life, before writing these pages. I have fallen victim, a victim to my thoughts and my emotions and my feelings. I have fallen to the demons of despair, the demons of hopelessness and helplessness and abysmal self-doubt. I've reached the lowest points in my life where I thought that life didn't make any sense; that it didn't have any meaning. And it shook my insides so hard I almost fell into pieces in front of the people I loved the most. I have seen myself so broken in their eyes, so shattered that I'd wished I just didn't exist. I wished I wasn't. I wished not to be. I don't mean to kill myself, but just not be, because the pain was so horrid I did not see any life beyond it. 

But here I am, telling a story of survival, of a continuous, nonstop fight that I am winning. A fight I do not regret fighting but look forward to telling its story; my story. And here I am writing these words to my future self, and to my past self, to show her that I have survived and that I will. That survival isn't a luxury; it's a necessity. It's a fight that has changed me and will change me to the better and stronger.

Here I am, writing in frenzy, to show the world that I am here, and that I am conquering my fears, anxieties, and depressive states. 

I am here. I am here. I am here.