Dear you,
My hands are in pain, but yet I chose to come here even after going to bed and actually deciding to sleep. What I've been writing to you cannot be left unfinished. In other words, I can no longer escape the miserable reality I've been living inside of me for months.
In these past months, I've been failing to adapt to my new life, a life I no longer have alone but that has someone else, too, in it. It hasn't been easy to let this thought in, and to let other thoughts out to that person when I'm feeling down or not in my best states. I never realised the effort I have to exert and the energy I have to make in a relationship, and to be completely honest it's only fair that such effort should be exerted, because if we want something to last forever, with its ups and downs, we have to be perfectly realistic and strong and make the greatest efforts we can to make things work. I never realised that I have to change the list of priorities to make him on top of it and not feel the slightest bit of guilt because I'm building a life, a new and different life, and I so much want to start it right. Sometimes I think I'm being a perfectionist, and other times I feel too realistic and start to convince myself that I need to enjoy the now and not think too much of what's going to happen next. It makes me sleepless to think of what's going to happen 10 years from now, and I'm so tired of trying to imagine the future, the far future not even the near one. How could you possibly have the energy to exhaust it in such stupid thoughts?
I should kill the stereotypes that such fucked up society imposed upon my thinking without my knowing. Sometimes there are no black and white in life, and other times when there is, you should only listen to yourself, not anyone else. In fact, I'm so tired I have to even listen to people; sometimes I think thoughts of certain types should be said outspokenly, if at all. There has been a tendency in people to just talk, regardless of the impact of their words on the person on the receiving end. It's the most selfish act I've seen recently, and I'd rather not listen at all and not be there instead of having to hear all of these things that leave me with inexplicable feelings. I'd rather disappear than have them tell me this.
Please remember, regardless of anything, I love you.
Yours faithfully and sincerely,
N.
My hands are in pain, but yet I chose to come here even after going to bed and actually deciding to sleep. What I've been writing to you cannot be left unfinished. In other words, I can no longer escape the miserable reality I've been living inside of me for months.
In these past months, I've been failing to adapt to my new life, a life I no longer have alone but that has someone else, too, in it. It hasn't been easy to let this thought in, and to let other thoughts out to that person when I'm feeling down or not in my best states. I never realised the effort I have to exert and the energy I have to make in a relationship, and to be completely honest it's only fair that such effort should be exerted, because if we want something to last forever, with its ups and downs, we have to be perfectly realistic and strong and make the greatest efforts we can to make things work. I never realised that I have to change the list of priorities to make him on top of it and not feel the slightest bit of guilt because I'm building a life, a new and different life, and I so much want to start it right. Sometimes I think I'm being a perfectionist, and other times I feel too realistic and start to convince myself that I need to enjoy the now and not think too much of what's going to happen next. It makes me sleepless to think of what's going to happen 10 years from now, and I'm so tired of trying to imagine the future, the far future not even the near one. How could you possibly have the energy to exhaust it in such stupid thoughts?
I should kill the stereotypes that such fucked up society imposed upon my thinking without my knowing. Sometimes there are no black and white in life, and other times when there is, you should only listen to yourself, not anyone else. In fact, I'm so tired I have to even listen to people; sometimes I think thoughts of certain types should be said outspokenly, if at all. There has been a tendency in people to just talk, regardless of the impact of their words on the person on the receiving end. It's the most selfish act I've seen recently, and I'd rather not listen at all and not be there instead of having to hear all of these things that leave me with inexplicable feelings. I'd rather disappear than have them tell me this.
Please remember, regardless of anything, I love you.
Yours faithfully and sincerely,
N.
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