Here I write again, on the same thoughts, because hell, they won't leave me.
Today I read a book summary that pretty much told how I felt. Lost, unable to find my way back, feeling too much in the box and not feeling that there is a killing routine that needs to be changed.
Today I was thinking of him, of why I haven't been able to feel this relationship as much as I thought I'd feel. I thought of my therapist, who said that being rational and evoking your mind in the relationship is actually the healthy start for it, meaning that what I feel is in actuality how all people should feel when starting a real commitment. But I don't like how I feel. Maybe I'm rushing things, but I know that he deserves more than this.
Sometimes I drown in the miseries of life and start to believe what everyone says, that this is just the peak of the relationship, these crazy emotions you have for each other, and that these emotions will fade with time, that making love won't feel as exciting as before, and that, once you have kids, it will all turn so boring. I believe them so much that I hate myself when I confess these things to him. And although he doesn't resent me and hw doesn't throw back at me, I feel terrible. I feel like shit. I shouldn't deal with happiness this way.
I also have one killing fear that terrifies me to death. In this generation, so many young people are dying a sudden death, whether in accidents or just deadly heart attacks. I'm afraid. I'm so afraid I'll lose him one day without notice, particularly because I have seen this happen to my sister, who is now a widow with two crazy kids that I cannot stand their presence in the house. I'm so afraid this will happen to me, to him, at a young age that it will hurt like nothing has ever hurt before. Oh, God, I'm so scared. I. am. so. scared.
These feelings are unbearable. And they do not allow me to enjoy the moment. I would kill to enjoy the life I have now, which is the life I had always wanted.
Why? Why do I not feel pleasure in the job I do and the love I give and receive? When did this unfeeling take place in my heart? When did I become so numb?
What is it that happened in the process. I need answers. I need God, so so so much.
Yours faithfully and sincerely,
N.
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