Dear you,
Fear kills beautiful things. It makes the experiences we have untouched, even if we are fully living them; fear makes them imperfect, incomplete. It renders numb every enjoyment moment. Fear is a monster, and it lives inside of us. We're consumed by it every single day, whether we admit such a fact or deny it. Some facts stay there no matter how much and how hard we try to ignore them, or make ourselves forget them. It makes us unhappy because we are cautious about the next moment, and in this process we forget to enjoy the life we have now.
I'm tired of being scared of everything despite my seemingly courageous and brave leaps to every new experience. Tired of not being able to enjoy the moment and focus on the future, sometimes the far future. I'm tired of paying attention to my mind playing games with me in my anxiety attacks. Tired of the insane heartbeats I feel that seem to shake my whole body nonstop. The first moment after an attack cools down is the most comforting yet the scariest moment I have to feel. I feel both liberated and horrifyingly consumed, completely lost.
But, do we always have to feel the worst before we get better? Who knows.
Yours faithfully and sincerely,
N.
Fear kills beautiful things. It makes the experiences we have untouched, even if we are fully living them; fear makes them imperfect, incomplete. It renders numb every enjoyment moment. Fear is a monster, and it lives inside of us. We're consumed by it every single day, whether we admit such a fact or deny it. Some facts stay there no matter how much and how hard we try to ignore them, or make ourselves forget them. It makes us unhappy because we are cautious about the next moment, and in this process we forget to enjoy the life we have now.
I'm tired of being scared of everything despite my seemingly courageous and brave leaps to every new experience. Tired of not being able to enjoy the moment and focus on the future, sometimes the far future. I'm tired of paying attention to my mind playing games with me in my anxiety attacks. Tired of the insane heartbeats I feel that seem to shake my whole body nonstop. The first moment after an attack cools down is the most comforting yet the scariest moment I have to feel. I feel both liberated and horrifyingly consumed, completely lost.
But, do we always have to feel the worst before we get better? Who knows.
Yours faithfully and sincerely,
N.
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