Lying Feelings and Thoughts

Gradually, you come to accept that the lying feelings and thoughts will subside. You understand that all you have to do is let them be, until they let you be. And then you take a deep breath and live life a new version of yourself, a better and truer version of yourself. You know your worth. You accept yourself. You know your self-confidence has to come from you not anyone else. And you understand that loneliness is a feeling you come up with when you are feeling negative, because when you feel positive and the loneliness is still there, you don't feel it as intense. Negative thoughts bring about negative feelings. Negative feelings bring about all lying thoughts about life. But you slowly realise this and decide to take matters into your own hands and save yourself through bravely fighting and not being scared of whatever is coming your way. All these realisations give you some peace of mind. And repeating all of them helps even more in instilling positive thoughts inside you. And bit by bit, you just become who you are; a version you are so very pleased with that you feel grateful every day for the hardships you went through.

Things I am grateful for today:

1. Alhamdulillah for the morning walk in a windy day like today.
2. Alhamdulillah for phone calls with Takateeko.
3. Alhamdulillah for making deep breathing a daily routine of mine.
4. Alhamdulillah for making the Quran a book I read daily.
5. Alhamdulillah for how evil thoughts are subsiding because I refuse to give them any importance.
6. Alhamdulillah for my brave soul to fight every negative thought of mine.
7. Alhamdulillah for truly believing that you can change your mentality about anything if you really really want to.
8. Alhamdulillah for every bit of growth I feel in me.
9. Alhamdulillah for the daily athkar that I say day and night.
10. Alhamdulillah for believing that Allah is with me and will help me every step of the way.

Inner Calm

There is an inner calm that I am finding in me these days which is giving me so much comfort and ease. I suddenly feel like the whole of last year's lessons are making themselves visible to me. I am also learning that the morning walks I take are making me connect with Allah and nature much more than ever. I feel Allah's presence around me in so many things and so many humans. I see Allah's miracles and just stop and say, Subhan Allah, isn't this life funny and beautiful? I constantly get this feeling that the lessons are out there, everywhere we go, only if we look close enough. Today I am so grateful to many wonderful news and exciting holidays coming up. 

Things I am saying alhamdulillah for today:

1. Alhamdulillah for the morning walks.
2. Alhamdulillah for the inner peace and calm I feel.
3. Alhamdulillah for the safety I feel around Taha.
4. Alhamdulillah for nature and the sea.
5. Alhamdulillah for sunny days and cloudy and windy days.
6. Alhamdulillah for the meals we eat every day, and having the choice to eat different meals.
7. Alhamdulillah for being so calm about getting jobs or being rejected.
8. Alhamdulillah for being a sister of three beautiful ladies.
9. Alhamdulillah for being an auntie of 6 nieces and nephews.
10. Alhamdulillah for every time I realise I am changing to be the truest version of myself.
11. Alhamdulillah for WhatApp audios. They completely eliminate my feelings of loneliness.
12. Alhamdulillah for my healthy family, and for Taha's lovely family.

Things I love about myself today:

1. How lightly I take things.
2. How I am there for the people I love.
3. How I can still be there for people even if I am not feeling great myself.
4. My awareness to change whatever it is that I don't like about myself or my life.
5. My awareness that Allah is with me and the inner calm I am letting myself feel.

الرضا

الرضا is a beautiful thing. It just gives you so much calm and inner peace. I think as long as we have that, literally nothing else matters in life. I also believe that whenever we pray so much to Allah, every single day, every step of the way, we are automatically assured that things are going to be okay, even if it is not entirely clear that Allah has answered our prayers. Prayer itself is bliss, and having that makes it easier for us to hold onto life and face every difficulty that comes our way.

رضا also comes with gratitude, because as long as we keep saying alhamdulillah every day, we will start to see so much beauty in life and appreciate what we have even if it isn't an easy journey to take. I am so thankful to Allah for teaching me lessons like this.

Today I am saying alhamdulillah for these blessings:

1. Alhamdulillah for morning walks in the sun, by the beach.
2. Alhamdulillah for appreciating myself and every effort I make to boost my self-compassion and self-esteem.
3. Alhamdulillah for my overflowing love for Taha.
4. Alhamdulillah for video calls with Mama and my sisters.
5. Alhamdulillah for calls with Takateeko.
6. Alhamdulillah for being able to walk, talk, hear, and smell.
7. Alhamdulillah for knowing that everything passes.
8. Alhamdulillah for deeps breaths and their amazing power.
9. Alhamdulillah for being aware of my reminders much more now that I look forward to them every day and give myself a minute to think about their content.
10. Alhamdulillah for Taha love for me and the beautiful mature relationship we have.

Things this phase is teaching me:

1. How to appreciate myself more.
2. How to be self-compassionate.
3. Understanding that I am completely normal, and there is a million versions of normal on this planet.
4. That it is ok. 
5. That it will pass.
6. That nothing is wrong with me.
7. That leaving my home country is extremely difficult to adjust to, but that I can definitely do it.
8. How to love myself and be easy on her.
9. That intrusive thoughts are sticky ones that don't say any facts but only lies, and that they take advantage of my moods.
10. That after all, السكينة is more important than love.

Slow Gratitude

It is amazing how one day outside in the sun with friends changes the mood just like that. You realise that whatever's been happening inside is only something loneliness does. You realise you are ok. Nothing is wrong with you nor your thoughts. It is the loneliness. And so you understand that you need to always surround yourselves with people you love or things you love to do. Also, you slowly become self-aware to count your blessings every night, which pays back when you are not in a great mood.

I am grateful to so many things today, so I will name some:

1. I am truly grateful to my calm mood even after realising my period really is late.
2. I am grateful for slowly understanding that these intrusive thoughts are an utter BS and they lie all the time. They themselves are a lie.
3. I am grateful for the deep love Taha and I have for each other.
4. I am grateful for last night's walk back home for an hour.
5. I am grateful for the conversations we, Taha and I, had during the walk.
6. I am grateful for the sun and the rain.
7. I am grateful for coffee and water.
8. I am grateful for our beautiful balcony, where I can sit writing in my blog like right now.
9. I am grateful for the walks I take on my own.
10. I am grateful for Taha's kindness, love, and honest heart.
11. I am grateful for slowly appreciating this country with all its challenges.
12. I am grateful for being so self-aware of everything happening inside me.
13. I am grateful for patience.
14. I am grateful for time, because it heals everything.
15. I am grateful for the hope that keeps me going every single day.

Thoughts Lie All the Time

Nature heals in beautiful ways, particularly through contemplation of Allah's creations. I am so lucky to be living by the sea, which I don't utilise that often and I am not proud of it. 

I have been reading a book on overcoming intrusive, obsessive thoughts and although I have many reservations on the book, it is teaching me a different strategy in handling my obsessive thoughts. Just giving them the name 'sticky thoughts' makes me feel so much better about them. It is also teaching me how much these thoughts might just be completely random (sometimes) and that it is ok for everyone to have these thoughts from time to time. What I need to disentangle, though, is the feelings associated with these thoughts. I need to rid myself of these feelings because they are only the result of a lying thought, which makes the feelings themselves a lie. Feelings do lie because thoughts lie, and feelings are the product of thought.

I am slowly learning to let go, slowly learning that it is ok, and slowly learning that actions are the most important aspect in this equation. I am also learning that I can change my feelings if I change my thoughts. I am learning that our minds are so flexible and elastic. And there is just so much comfort in this. I am so proud of myself for trying this hard, because anxious thoughts hit me with the person I love the most, and I am not letting these fake thoughts come in the way of a beautiful relationship.

Things I am thankful for today:

1. I am grateful for the beach, particularly on a beautiful sunny day like today.
2. I am grateful for the picnic we will be having today.
3. I am grateful for phone calls with Takateeko.
4. I am grateful for slowly learning that I am winning this battle.
5. I am grateful for everything anxiety is teaching me, from patience and perseverance to acceptance and contemplation.
6. I am grateful for cups of coffee in the balcony.
7. I am grateful for Jackie who doesn't mind a good talk over the balconies.
8. I am grateful for prayer and its power.
9. I am grateful for every breath I take
10. I am grateful for the loneliness I feel because it is teaching me so much about myself.

Things I love about Taha:

1. His honesty with himself and with me.
2. His attractiveness.
3. How he loves to share everything with me.
4. The conversations he has with me to calm me down and help me through.
5. His forgiving soul.

Morning Thoughts

Waking up with negative thoughts on a daily basis is my fight. It is often difficult just to toss them away and get up to enjoy life, but when I am able to do this, it usually really works. I have this strong desire to enjoy my own company, which sometimes I do but a lot of times I don't. You have to really accept who you are to do this, and you have to know how to entertain the thoughts that need entertaining and ignore the other unwanted intrusive thoughts that offer no solution. It is just that my current struggle is making the differentiation between my thoughts and my emotions. It is so easy for us to confuse between the two because thoughts often lead us to feel particular emotions, which we think are real ones but are quite simply the product of giving in to these thoughts.

Ya Allah, help us get rid of unwanted thoughts. Help us thank You for every tiny little bliss. Help us see the good in life. Help us maintain healthy relationships with the people we love the most.

Things I am grateful for today:

1. Taha's morning hugs before work.
2. Getting up and fighting every little thought.
3. Having prayed fajr today after a few days of fighting.
4. The beautiful cloudy weather, which will be sunny in a few hours.
5. I am grateful for drinking clean water.
6. Grateful for the new facial wash that feels so refreshing.
7. Grateful for the morning routine that I have.
8. Grateful for how easy it is to shop here, online or physically.
9. Grateful for the books I am reading these days and for the knowledge that gives me the power to fight every negative thought and to remember Allah every step of the way.
10. Grateful for breakfast and the varieties we have in the fridge. Such bliss alhamdulillah!

Things I adore about Taha:

1. His morning hugs which he never ever misses.
2. His energy.
3. How easily he spots my bad moods and understands.
4. His openness to listen to my deepest secrets and thoughts.
5. His kind heart.

On Differentiations.

It's truly important to know how to differentiate between thoughts only being the product of a bad mood, like PMS, and real thoughts, which are by definition helpful ones, so anything otherwise is just a product of bad moods, especially extremely bad moods like during PMS.

The fact that the oldest cliches are the truest makes the cliche of "There is light at the end of the tunnel" just as true as "Time heals." The journey is often tough but there is always a chance for something to cling to on the hope that that light will be visible soon.

Things I am grateful for today:

1. I am grateful for waking up earlier than usual.
2. I am grateful for not sleeping in the middle of saying the morning athkar.
3. I am grateful for Taha's beautiful smile once he opens the door when he's back from work.
4. I am grateful for every single phone call with Takateeko.
5. I am grateful for our beautiful balcony, and the time I spend in it in the day.
6. I am grateful for coffee, when drunk in the balcony especially.
7. I am grateful for the feeling of family that Taha gives me.
8. I am grateful for being smart and intelligent.
9. I am grateful for knowing that everything takes time, even if I feel very impatient sometimes.
10. I am grateful for truly believing that Allah must be teaching me something out of this struggle I face some days.

Things I love about anxiety:

1. It is teaching me how to be truly myself.
2. It is making me strive to be more present.
3. It is making me self-aware.
4. It is developing my self-compassion.
5. It is giving me the time and effort to be kind to myself.
6. It is teaching me that everything negative has an ending.
7. It is teaching me to take deep breaths all the time.
8. It is teaching me that things take time.
9. It is making me more confident to talk about mental health problems.
10. It is making me more aware of what I need to fix and what I actually found that I do like about myself.