100 Things I love about... Myself!

Yomna's sister, Basma, wrote this very interesting post on Facebook yesterday about her having written 100 things she loves about herself. I found that fascinating by all means, and the fact that she did manage to write 100 things is just impressive. I want to try this out, but I want to write the things I love about myself bit by bit, of course, because I'd like to divide them on the days, plus have time to think about them, which will, in turn, make me love myself along the way, slowly and steadily.

Let's start with 10 every day. Here are the first 10:

1. I love that I have worked so much on myself to be a compassionate, empathetic person.
2. I love that I try so hard not to judge others.
3. I love that I taught myself English from scratch and became successful at my job.
4. I love that I try not to hold back feelings or emotions, and I talk about whatever is bothering me. Some people consider this bravery.
5. I love that I am becoming closer to Allah and making an effort to think about Allah in everything that I do.
6. I love how silly I can be when I'm in a good mood.
7. I love how brave I am when it comes to sharing my mental health states.
8. I love how I love challenges and how they make me determined.
9. I love my body and I wouldn't want to change anything about it.
10. I love how I've tried so many hobbies and have finally settled on the ones that truly make me feel great: playing the piano and workouts, and journal writing.

A 10-day challenge for 10 things every day!

Morning Pages

It seems like my mind just decides to give me negativity and hopelessness first thing in the morning because it can't find something that occupies it upon waking. And I guess I can be okay with that, as long as I get up and actually do the things I love to do and that make me happy and fulfilled.

Fulfilled is the word I need. I need fullfilment, and I need to wake up knowing I make a difference in life, which I do not really feel right now. I keep getting this feeling that Taha took me away from everything I loved (and everything I hated) and I am just getting to know a new self of mine, getting to know the world outside my comfort zone.

Can we just choose to accept whatever negative thoughts that come in the morning and go on with the day to do everything we love to do? And if we felt like doing nothing because of these feelings, can we just force ourselves to do something that makes us happy? Can we stop putting the blame on the people who love us, and actually treat them like angels because they are always there for us, helping us get through the tough days.

If anything bad happens, Allah will prepare us to deal with it, and if anything good happens, let's always remember to thank Allah and to keep Allah always always in our thoughts, because He is the only one who will help us get through this.

Ya Allah help me and everyone going through struggles they know no end to.

Observing Feelings

Let's observe how I'm feeling. I woke up in a low mood, not very motivated to get out of bed. Then I felt really low I started thinking, "I'm going to feel so low and let it all out on fights with Taha." Next, I started wondering why I was feeling so low. Perhaps it is related to vitamin deficiency? (Vitamin D, for example?) But if this is the case, it really has nothing to do with Taha. Is it the loneliness? Definitely! But it could also be something else. It could still be my subconscious mind letting out everything that has been kept in throughout the years. 

I start to wonder, what is the point of life? And go in that loop of silly existential questions.

If it truly is anxiety + depression, the answer is here: running and playing the piano as I already do. Not arguing with my thoughts, but just accepting they are there, trying not to let them come in the way of my daily routine, and just continuing living. 

If it truly is vitamin D deficiency, the vitamin is available and I can take it. It is literally at home and I can take it any time. 

Fear. Anxiety. Courage. Repeat.

Repeat the fears. Have time for them, specific time for them, because this is when you will realise that, even though you keep worrying throughout the whole day, the number of worries is actually very limited. Fear of losing your loved ones, or doing something stupid that will result in losing them, fear of the unknown, fear of losing control (whatever that actually means), fear of anxiety kicking in again (but when did it ever do anything that made you lose control? Never. Fear of being a parent, of being away from home and missing out (which is already happening, so why does this fear actually exist?).

Repeat the fears. Face them. Head on. You'll realise that they're all cheap.

Acceptance

Accepting our feelings seems to be such a simple task to heal, but inside our minds, it just sometimes feels literally impossible. How do I accept feeling horrible? How do I accept an intrusive, obsessive thought that just won't go away? I guess by staying calm and striving to stay present in the moment.

Stories of Fight

I kept reading my old posts on this blog thinking that my life years before was 'happier' than this. Not that I am not happy now, but the level of misery I read in the older posts was exaggerated. I felt like a complete drama queen. When did I write this? What was so bad that happened that made me write these words? Surely it can't be as bad as this past year, from June 2019, can it? Words looked so trivial. I didn't feel an inch of what I wrote, because I felt that everything I wrote before was nothing compared to now. The pain now is real. It was the realest thing I ever felt and the most painful one. No, wait. I don't painful is the correct word. I think terrifying is the word. You live a nightmare and you wish to just wake up, to feel the life you felt before. But that's not gonna happen. It was impossible, because we grow, and there is no coming back from every experience, good or bad, that we live. 

I was growing, I am growing. I am becoming who I truly am. Someone real. The truest version of me that is and that has ever lived. Yes, it's excruciating, but this is what growth feels like. I am becoming me. It might feel very uncomfortable at the beginning, but I will surely get to know me better with time. 

I just wanted to come here to pour even a small portion of my thoughts, because after all writing in this blog and the other blogs has changed me throughout the years and I owe it to my blogs that I am able to write and express to this day. 

Let the anxieties kick in. Let the panic attacks or whatever we wanna call them be invited. I know that what doesn't kill you makes you weak and trembling, but it also allows you to get used to the pain and discomfort until it no longer feels scary and terrifying.

Stories of Survival

It's been years. Literally years. And I am coming back here a different person, to tell a different story, a story I have never ever lived before in my life, before writing these pages. I have fallen victim, a victim to my thoughts and my emotions and my feelings. I have fallen to the demons of despair, the demons of hopelessness and helplessness and abysmal self-doubt. I've reached the lowest points in my life where I thought that life didn't make any sense; that it didn't have any meaning. And it shook my insides so hard I almost fell into pieces in front of the people I loved the most. I have seen myself so broken in their eyes, so shattered that I'd wished I just didn't exist. I wished I wasn't. I wished not to be. I don't mean to kill myself, but just not be, because the pain was so horrid I did not see any life beyond it. 

But here I am, telling a story of survival, of a continuous, nonstop fight that I am winning. A fight I do not regret fighting but look forward to telling its story; my story. And here I am writing these words to my future self, and to my past self, to show her that I have survived and that I will. That survival isn't a luxury; it's a necessity. It's a fight that has changed me and will change me to the better and stronger.

Here I am, writing in frenzy, to show the world that I am here, and that I am conquering my fears, anxieties, and depressive states. 

I am here. I am here. I am here.