On Self-awareness.

 Somehow I keep running away from this blog even though I don't understand why. I have been feeling that my life is on hold for quite some time, and it is surprising I feel that way because the more reasonable way of living right now is to literally seize every moment. But it almost feels like I am waiting for something to make me take action. It may be a new job, or a new move, or a new, good source of income that will motivate me to take courses and start getting myself nice things.

Generally, my anxious self has faded, or perhaps I and her have integrated in a way or made peace with each other. The more I write about this, the more I realise how badly I need to write about it. The progress I have made and the person I have become during the past 8 months are amazing and I should pay some respect to myself for becoming who I am today, even with the ups and downs of overthinking. I am becoming more okay with the intrusive thoughts because I now truly realise they come out of loneliness and out of a realisation that when you spend too much time with one person, you start questioning your feelings for them, but with time you understand that this questioning comes because you are always together. When you are apart, you either question yourself because you feel happy with family (sister), or you don't question your love at all.

I want to become self-aware and do the things that I love to do, whatever they are. I don't want the changes my body is going through right now to distract me from being who I am. I want to remain conscious of my thoughts and where they lead me, physically more than anything else. Crippling thoughts have the ability to force you to live a life you don't want to live but think you have no choice. Bringing yourself out of the crippling anxieties is the toughest thing you will have to do, but they are absolutely worth every effort and every getting-out-of-bed struggle. I want to live the next moment feeling that I am here. I am who I am. I am doing something I love. And I am completely and undoubtedly alive and fighting the fight that is absolutely worth it. 

I want to remind myself every day that what I am going through isn't easy, and that it is okay to not be okay, because once we accept that, everything else follows. Once we accept the ups and downs of life, we are eventually able to live peacefully without wanting to be happy but just... satisfied. At peace.

On Energy

 It's been almost a month, and I don't know why I stopped writing, but I had a lot to grasp and I needed this time just to let things sink in. A part of my down mood is back, but this time I am feeling it completely differently. I know it is but a product of the current physical state I am in, so I am letting myself feel everything I want to feel, while bearing in mind that these feelings (and thoughts) are only there because of the mood, not because they are real.

I just miss the energy I had a year and a half from today. I miss how energetic I was and how I was doing so many things at the same time. I don't miss, however, the stress I put myself in last year. But I do miss doing creative things and I feel like I don't have any creative thoughts anymore. I am not sure what happened but I am quite sure a lot of it has to do with my mentality and how I let myself sink into this laziness.

But I am grateful for the laughs and for the hope I have. Grateful for the honest conversations I have with Taha and how much we feel the same about so many different things. I am grateful for still realising that whatever reason is making me lazy, I can handle it. I am grateful I no longer have these intense periods of very dark thoughts and demotivation. I have been doing so much to change how I think and how I feel about so many things in life, and it has so far worked so well. I only need to give myself the time for the next 3 weeks to get physically better, and then I will do everything I can to be active, and I will start thinking from today!

Lying Feelings and Thoughts

Gradually, you come to accept that the lying feelings and thoughts will subside. You understand that all you have to do is let them be, until they let you be. And then you take a deep breath and live life a new version of yourself, a better and truer version of yourself. You know your worth. You accept yourself. You know your self-confidence has to come from you not anyone else. And you understand that loneliness is a feeling you come up with when you are feeling negative, because when you feel positive and the loneliness is still there, you don't feel it as intense. Negative thoughts bring about negative feelings. Negative feelings bring about all lying thoughts about life. But you slowly realise this and decide to take matters into your own hands and save yourself through bravely fighting and not being scared of whatever is coming your way. All these realisations give you some peace of mind. And repeating all of them helps even more in instilling positive thoughts inside you. And bit by bit, you just become who you are; a version you are so very pleased with that you feel grateful every day for the hardships you went through.

Things I am grateful for today:

1. Alhamdulillah for the morning walk in a windy day like today.
2. Alhamdulillah for phone calls with Takateeko.
3. Alhamdulillah for making deep breathing a daily routine of mine.
4. Alhamdulillah for making the Quran a book I read daily.
5. Alhamdulillah for how evil thoughts are subsiding because I refuse to give them any importance.
6. Alhamdulillah for my brave soul to fight every negative thought of mine.
7. Alhamdulillah for truly believing that you can change your mentality about anything if you really really want to.
8. Alhamdulillah for every bit of growth I feel in me.
9. Alhamdulillah for the daily athkar that I say day and night.
10. Alhamdulillah for believing that Allah is with me and will help me every step of the way.

Inner Calm

There is an inner calm that I am finding in me these days which is giving me so much comfort and ease. I suddenly feel like the whole of last year's lessons are making themselves visible to me. I am also learning that the morning walks I take are making me connect with Allah and nature much more than ever. I feel Allah's presence around me in so many things and so many humans. I see Allah's miracles and just stop and say, Subhan Allah, isn't this life funny and beautiful? I constantly get this feeling that the lessons are out there, everywhere we go, only if we look close enough. Today I am so grateful to many wonderful news and exciting holidays coming up. 

Things I am saying alhamdulillah for today:

1. Alhamdulillah for the morning walks.
2. Alhamdulillah for the inner peace and calm I feel.
3. Alhamdulillah for the safety I feel around Taha.
4. Alhamdulillah for nature and the sea.
5. Alhamdulillah for sunny days and cloudy and windy days.
6. Alhamdulillah for the meals we eat every day, and having the choice to eat different meals.
7. Alhamdulillah for being so calm about getting jobs or being rejected.
8. Alhamdulillah for being a sister of three beautiful ladies.
9. Alhamdulillah for being an auntie of 6 nieces and nephews.
10. Alhamdulillah for every time I realise I am changing to be the truest version of myself.
11. Alhamdulillah for WhatApp audios. They completely eliminate my feelings of loneliness.
12. Alhamdulillah for my healthy family, and for Taha's lovely family.

Things I love about myself today:

1. How lightly I take things.
2. How I am there for the people I love.
3. How I can still be there for people even if I am not feeling great myself.
4. My awareness to change whatever it is that I don't like about myself or my life.
5. My awareness that Allah is with me and the inner calm I am letting myself feel.

الرضا

الرضا is a beautiful thing. It just gives you so much calm and inner peace. I think as long as we have that, literally nothing else matters in life. I also believe that whenever we pray so much to Allah, every single day, every step of the way, we are automatically assured that things are going to be okay, even if it is not entirely clear that Allah has answered our prayers. Prayer itself is bliss, and having that makes it easier for us to hold onto life and face every difficulty that comes our way.

رضا also comes with gratitude, because as long as we keep saying alhamdulillah every day, we will start to see so much beauty in life and appreciate what we have even if it isn't an easy journey to take. I am so thankful to Allah for teaching me lessons like this.

Today I am saying alhamdulillah for these blessings:

1. Alhamdulillah for morning walks in the sun, by the beach.
2. Alhamdulillah for appreciating myself and every effort I make to boost my self-compassion and self-esteem.
3. Alhamdulillah for my overflowing love for Taha.
4. Alhamdulillah for video calls with Mama and my sisters.
5. Alhamdulillah for calls with Takateeko.
6. Alhamdulillah for being able to walk, talk, hear, and smell.
7. Alhamdulillah for knowing that everything passes.
8. Alhamdulillah for deeps breaths and their amazing power.
9. Alhamdulillah for being aware of my reminders much more now that I look forward to them every day and give myself a minute to think about their content.
10. Alhamdulillah for Taha love for me and the beautiful mature relationship we have.

Things this phase is teaching me:

1. How to appreciate myself more.
2. How to be self-compassionate.
3. Understanding that I am completely normal, and there is a million versions of normal on this planet.
4. That it is ok. 
5. That it will pass.
6. That nothing is wrong with me.
7. That leaving my home country is extremely difficult to adjust to, but that I can definitely do it.
8. How to love myself and be easy on her.
9. That intrusive thoughts are sticky ones that don't say any facts but only lies, and that they take advantage of my moods.
10. That after all, السكينة is more important than love.

Slow Gratitude

It is amazing how one day outside in the sun with friends changes the mood just like that. You realise that whatever's been happening inside is only something loneliness does. You realise you are ok. Nothing is wrong with you nor your thoughts. It is the loneliness. And so you understand that you need to always surround yourselves with people you love or things you love to do. Also, you slowly become self-aware to count your blessings every night, which pays back when you are not in a great mood.

I am grateful to so many things today, so I will name some:

1. I am truly grateful to my calm mood even after realising my period really is late.
2. I am grateful for slowly understanding that these intrusive thoughts are an utter BS and they lie all the time. They themselves are a lie.
3. I am grateful for the deep love Taha and I have for each other.
4. I am grateful for last night's walk back home for an hour.
5. I am grateful for the conversations we, Taha and I, had during the walk.
6. I am grateful for the sun and the rain.
7. I am grateful for coffee and water.
8. I am grateful for our beautiful balcony, where I can sit writing in my blog like right now.
9. I am grateful for the walks I take on my own.
10. I am grateful for Taha's kindness, love, and honest heart.
11. I am grateful for slowly appreciating this country with all its challenges.
12. I am grateful for being so self-aware of everything happening inside me.
13. I am grateful for patience.
14. I am grateful for time, because it heals everything.
15. I am grateful for the hope that keeps me going every single day.

Thoughts Lie All the Time

Nature heals in beautiful ways, particularly through contemplation of Allah's creations. I am so lucky to be living by the sea, which I don't utilise that often and I am not proud of it. 

I have been reading a book on overcoming intrusive, obsessive thoughts and although I have many reservations on the book, it is teaching me a different strategy in handling my obsessive thoughts. Just giving them the name 'sticky thoughts' makes me feel so much better about them. It is also teaching me how much these thoughts might just be completely random (sometimes) and that it is ok for everyone to have these thoughts from time to time. What I need to disentangle, though, is the feelings associated with these thoughts. I need to rid myself of these feelings because they are only the result of a lying thought, which makes the feelings themselves a lie. Feelings do lie because thoughts lie, and feelings are the product of thought.

I am slowly learning to let go, slowly learning that it is ok, and slowly learning that actions are the most important aspect in this equation. I am also learning that I can change my feelings if I change my thoughts. I am learning that our minds are so flexible and elastic. And there is just so much comfort in this. I am so proud of myself for trying this hard, because anxious thoughts hit me with the person I love the most, and I am not letting these fake thoughts come in the way of a beautiful relationship.

Things I am thankful for today:

1. I am grateful for the beach, particularly on a beautiful sunny day like today.
2. I am grateful for the picnic we will be having today.
3. I am grateful for phone calls with Takateeko.
4. I am grateful for slowly learning that I am winning this battle.
5. I am grateful for everything anxiety is teaching me, from patience and perseverance to acceptance and contemplation.
6. I am grateful for cups of coffee in the balcony.
7. I am grateful for Jackie who doesn't mind a good talk over the balconies.
8. I am grateful for prayer and its power.
9. I am grateful for every breath I take
10. I am grateful for the loneliness I feel because it is teaching me so much about myself.

Things I love about Taha:

1. His honesty with himself and with me.
2. His attractiveness.
3. How he loves to share everything with me.
4. The conversations he has with me to calm me down and help me through.
5. His forgiving soul.