Somehow I keep running away from this blog even though I don't understand why. I have been feeling that my life is on hold for quite some time, and it is surprising I feel that way because the more reasonable way of living right now is to literally seize every moment. But it almost feels like I am waiting for something to make me take action. It may be a new job, or a new move, or a new, good source of income that will motivate me to take courses and start getting myself nice things.
Generally, my anxious self has faded, or perhaps I and her have integrated in a way or made peace with each other. The more I write about this, the more I realise how badly I need to write about it. The progress I have made and the person I have become during the past 8 months are amazing and I should pay some respect to myself for becoming who I am today, even with the ups and downs of overthinking. I am becoming more okay with the intrusive thoughts because I now truly realise they come out of loneliness and out of a realisation that when you spend too much time with one person, you start questioning your feelings for them, but with time you understand that this questioning comes because you are always together. When you are apart, you either question yourself because you feel happy with family (sister), or you don't question your love at all.
I want to become self-aware and do the things that I love to do, whatever they are. I don't want the changes my body is going through right now to distract me from being who I am. I want to remain conscious of my thoughts and where they lead me, physically more than anything else. Crippling thoughts have the ability to force you to live a life you don't want to live but think you have no choice. Bringing yourself out of the crippling anxieties is the toughest thing you will have to do, but they are absolutely worth every effort and every getting-out-of-bed struggle. I want to live the next moment feeling that I am here. I am who I am. I am doing something I love. And I am completely and undoubtedly alive and fighting the fight that is absolutely worth it.
I want to remind myself every day that what I am going through isn't easy, and that it is okay to not be okay, because once we accept that, everything else follows. Once we accept the ups and downs of life, we are eventually able to live peacefully without wanting to be happy but just... satisfied. At peace.
